18 Years Later

Today has been replayed over and over in my head since I was 14 years old in my grandparent’s guest bedroom, where I witnessed loss and suffering of a great measure. Layers and details come back all the time, and I know the dialogue I have spoken of when around those closest to me.

You see, this is when I get carried away on a rant and then try to derail my own thoughts because of how I perceive how vulnerable I am sounding, and have a really hard time opening up, in fear I will word vomit over everything, and then, you know- no one to talk to after that…

Riffing off this- just wanted to do something positive in your memory, Grandma Ann. How it is perceived, I don’t know, I can’t care. I just have to be brave and do it I guess.

I thought that you know, after 18 years, I would not play the dialogue out the same way in my head, straining because I am such a different person now. Passing is a part of life.

I feel like I wasted so much energy trying to communicate my feelings in an effort to recover a solution that I was never going to find in that desperate state of being.

I felt like I had to give a muted version of myself to be accepted in the world I was living in.

This, I now see, was me muting myself.

I muted the echoes I constantly heard in my head and the beats against my chest where my heart has always lived.

I muted the laughter, I muted the anger, I muted the soul that wants to be free and feel alive.

I muted the unconditional love I still feel in my heart.

I was so hurt by all that I could not understand, I muted my assumptions, my doubts-though effective-

the truth is I am unable to be tamed so that it is easier for you to digest.

I am filled with trauma and raw, human emotion.  The surface, all put together for: wait for it- your pleasure.

Even when this is not what I want, I act accordingly.

I have followed the suit I am “supposed to wear,” and it stops here.

I am embracing that I am truly an animal- I always was, and will continue to be until the day I cease to exist in this physical world.

I want it to matter that I exist.

The fires that burned my past ancestors alive for their beliefs, and perhaps out of fear were muted to protect one another from the inevitable wrath of ignorance and pride (general judgment).  I believe my ancestors have allowed me to exist once more, to try to go against what was taught- to find the Spirit in Nature and all that is surrounding me, filling my soul with Divine healing energy.  Thank you, Universe.

Blessed Be.

Welcome to new beginnings.

I Am Not Here For Your Pleasure